As the involved and loving parent of a high school junior or senior, you have spent almost two decades devoting yourself to making the best possible life for your child. You have made all the choices when it comes to preschools and educational toys, sports equipment and nutritional dinners. You have set curfews and limits on everything from driving to dating.

Now, as you and your child embark on the college application process, comes the hardest parental challenge of all: stepping aside.

When I say “stepping aside” I don’t mean stepping out of the picture entirely; parents are still a very important and necessary part of the college selection and admissions process. Your input, guidance and support will be crucial to your child during this exciting and stressful time.

Most students today will need and ask for their parents’ advice when finalizing the list of colleges they plan on applying to. Despite the obvious appeal of an adult-free road trip, most kids want their parents to come with them when visiting colleges and universities. And whether they’ll admit it or not, the vast majority of high school seniors depend on their parents for emotional support – maybe even a shoulder to cry on – when the whole enterprise threatens to overwhelm them.

But, unlike earlier decisions in your child’s life, this ends up being one that he or she is ultimately responsible for. Selecting a college is an adult choice – maybe the very first of your child’s life. As such, you need to help in a way that respects your son or daughter’s emerging independence.

The best advice I’ve ever heard on how to handle this delicate balance came from a college admissions counselor who advised parents to think of the college search as a road trip. “You belong in the car,” she said kindly. “But make sure you’re letting your kid drive, while you sit in the back seat.”

I was surprised and saddened recently while reading the second draft of a high school senior’s college admissions essay. Whereas her first attempt had been a personal and endearing glimpse at her character and personality, this revised effort included several pompous and awkwardly added mentions of her extracurricular and community service activities. When I asked why she made these unfortunate changes, her answer was weary and to-the-point: “My dad made me do it.”

Guided by the most loving of intentions, parents can be the personal essay’s worst enemy. Even more than their children, parents often get caught up in the competitve frenzy of college admissions, and the essay tends to be a common target of parental over-involvement. Despite the fact that guidance counselors, guide books and admissions officers all advise keeping the essay clear of “hard sell” descriptions of academic or other achievments, parents often insist on trying to cram this information in. The results are rarely subtle and often interfere with the theme and flow of an otherwise good essay.

Another trap parents fall into is simply over-helping with an essay – trying to change their child’s topic or rewrite the piece altogether. I can totally identify with this impulse – as an adult it’s tempting to think you can do a better job and it’s natural to want your child to make the best possible impression. But taking over the essay – besides being completely unethical – deprives your child of his or her rightful place at the helm of this process. And it robs the essay of the genuine and personal “voice” it’s supposed to have.

As I have heard from more than one admissions officer, it really isn’t hard to spot an essay that’s has been written by a forty-five year old tax attorney. So help your child with brainstorming and proofreading – then step away from the essay!

A woman I knew in college used to talk about her overwhelming – and unfulfilled – desire to attend Cornell University. So I wasn’t particularly surprised when I learned that both of her daughters are currently enrolled at Cornell. It is an excellent school and I’m sure those girls will do well there, but I can’t help wondering about that family: whose goals and dreams are being fulfilled?

Today’s high school parents are highly involved with their children’s lives and, in general, there is nothing wrong with that. But the college admissions process is often a time when parents – without even knowing it – impose their own hopes and unrealized dreams onto their children. It is important to remember that this is your child’s turn to experience college – it is not a “do-over” for you to correct the mistakes and bad choices you made at 18.

Naturally, you will be involved in the school selection and application process. But when you discuss schools with your child, keep in mind that the college landscape is extremely different than it was when you were applying twenty-something years ago. Schools’ reputations, admission criteria, standardized tests and the application process have all changed dramatically since then.

Be careful of trying to impose a school you like on your child. The teenage years are known for oppositional behavior – you should consider the very real possibility that pushing a particular school too hard may create an overwhelming desire on your child’s part to go somewhere else.

Finally, be careful of sending subliminal messages: if your weekend attire consists of a Dartmouth sweatshirt worn over a Dartmouth T-shirt, you are sending a powerful message to your child – even if you never open your mouth.