When my son was applying to college there was a school our guidebook referred to as “the caring college.” I have to admit that I loved the sound of that – it conjured up comfy images of school personnel following my son around with chocolate milk and warm cookies, encouraging him to get enough rest and talk about his feelings. My son ended up attending that college and he was very happy there – he got a wonderful education, had lots of fun and made lifelong friends. But did he find the school to be unusually caring? Not so much. And yet seven years later, as my daughter is getting ready to apply to schools, the updated version of that same guidebook is still referring to it as “the caring college.”

Which raises the question of reputations – the “buzz” that some schools generate.  What are they based on and how much of it should you believe?

Some of the buzz does originate in guidebooks – those massive  manuals that many college-bound families still pour through often contain lists that rank schools on criteria such as whether they’re “party” schools,  as well as drug use, academic pressure, liberal attitudes, and the quality of food.

But much of the buzz that surrounds some schools never appears in print – it seems to materialize from thin air and sink into the collective consciousness of prospective students. The high school students I work with often claim to somehow “know” that a particular school is monopolized by drunken frat boys, or stoned hippies – despite never setting foot on the campus. I have heard schools described – and dismissed – as too conservative, too artsy, too lame, too granola, too preppy or too alternative.  It troubles me that kids are willing to buy into these generalizations based on nothing but buzz – and the perceptions can be hard to dispel.

My daughter’s guidance counselor recently recommended we look at a school that seemed to meet every one of her college criteria. It is an excellent mid-size university that would be a perfect target school for her. It’s the right distance from home, in a populated area, it has a well regarded theater program and exactly the right amount of Greek life.  And yet my daughter has consistently resisted visiting this school because she believes it to be populated exclusively by “hipsters.”

I have no idea if this is true or not and it would be hard for me to verify since I’m not precisely sure what a hipster is. When we finally visited the school, the students we saw on campus looked perfectly fine to me. In dress and demeanor, the kids we saw in the library and on the quad seemed like regular kids – no different from the students we’d seen at another college the day before. But the minute we drove off campus my daughter turned to me and said “I told you so….hipsters.”

Clearly, I don’t understand the prevalence and staying power of these perceptions– but if your child is applying to colleges you should know that he or she will be hearing and absorbing and believing in the rumors and myths that surround these schools.  It’s unfortunate that what might be an excellent school choice may not be considered because of hearsay and misconceptions. The best you can do is visit the schools – maybe even more than once. Attend tours and information sessions and spend as much time as you can on campus, speaking to a variety of students. An overnight visit may dispel (or confirm) what your child already thinks of a school. Take everything you hear with a grain of salt – and good luck fighting the buzz.

I have just returned from a trip to visit several East Coast college campuses and it turns out that what made the biggest impression on me was not the snow-covered quads of academia, the libraries bursting with volumes, or the tour guides with their perky combination of factual knowledge and unlimited good cheer.  What I will remember most is the look of dread on the faces of high school juniors as their parents humiliated them in front of tour guides, admissions officers and prospective classmates.

In one short weekend I witnessed countless examples of clueless behavior on the part of parents who seemed to have no idea that their college visit was not a personal experience geared solely to them.  On tours with dozens of people and information sessions in auditoriums with hundreds of others, parents insisted on taking up the group’s time with questions that pertained to their child alone.

During one info session a father asked a long-winded and excruciatingly complicated question about financial aid for temporary, non-resident international students.  Not satisfied with the answer he received (and failing to pick up on the admissions counselor’s obvious annoyance) he pursued his point with an even more specific follow-up question that was unlikely to have applied to anyone else in the room. Was it a valid question?  Absolutely. Was a group information session the wrong forum for asking it? Absolutely.  A question like that should be asked of a financial aid officer during a one-on one meeting or phone call.

On a tour later that day, a concerned mother asked a seemingly endless series of questions intended to find out if the dorm bathrooms would be cleaned to her son’s exacting standards – the other parents were clearly annoyed and her son looked acutely miserable.  Another mom held the entire tour hostage while she waited for the tour guide to explain how Food Services would accommodate her son’s serious food allergies. Our tour guide was a charming sophomore from Texas, but I’m not sure he was the person to whom life and death questions should have been directed.

It is clear that these parents –  while misguided – are acting out of love and concern for their children, but annoying the on-campus personnel is rarely a ticket to college admission.

Some parents seem to have confused a college tour with a TV game show, and think that stumping the guide or admissions counselor with an impossible-to-answer query will somehow win them bonus points – I can assure you it does not.  At the other end of the spectrum are parents who ask common knowledge questions – one dad this weekend  wasted the time of over 300 people by asking what the undergraduate enrollment of a certain school was (a fact he could have tracked down instantly by looking at a guide book or the school’s own website.)

My advice for college visit etiquette is simple and blunt: look around and realize that this is a shared experience. Do not ask questions just to hear the sound of your voice or to try and look smart. Do not try to dazzle the admissions people by asking a ridiculously complicated or obscure question. And try not to enrage other parents with a tunnel-vision focus on your own child’s particular concerns and requirements.  Following these suggestions may not guarantee your child admission to a certain school, but they will certainly make the ride home a lot more pleasant.

As the involved and loving parent of a high school junior or senior, you have spent almost two decades devoting yourself to making the best possible life for your child. You have made all the choices when it comes to preschools and educational toys, sports equipment and nutritional dinners. You have set curfews and limits on everything from driving to dating.

Now, as you and your child embark on the college application process, comes the hardest parental challenge of all: stepping aside.

When I say “stepping aside” I don’t mean stepping out of the picture entirely; parents are still a very important and necessary part of the college selection and admissions process. Your input, guidance and support will be crucial to your child during this exciting and stressful time.

Most students today will need and ask for their parents’ advice when finalizing the list of colleges they plan on applying to. Despite the obvious appeal of an adult-free road trip, most kids want their parents to come with them when visiting colleges and universities. And whether they’ll admit it or not, the vast majority of high school seniors depend on their parents for emotional support – maybe even a shoulder to cry on – when the whole enterprise threatens to overwhelm them.

But, unlike earlier decisions in your child’s life, this ends up being one that he or she is ultimately responsible for. Selecting a college is an adult choice – maybe the very first of your child’s life. As such, you need to help in a way that respects your son or daughter’s emerging independence.

The best advice I’ve ever heard on how to handle this delicate balance came from a college admissions counselor who advised parents to think of the college search as a road trip. “You belong in the car,” she said kindly. “But make sure you’re letting your kid drive, while you sit in the back seat.”

I was surprised and saddened recently while reading the second draft of a high school senior’s college admissions essay. Whereas her first attempt had been a personal and endearing glimpse at her character and personality, this revised effort included several pompous and awkwardly added mentions of her extracurricular and community service activities. When I asked why she made these unfortunate changes, her answer was weary and to-the-point: “My dad made me do it.”

Guided by the most loving of intentions, parents can be the personal essay’s worst enemy. Even more than their children, parents often get caught up in the competitve frenzy of college admissions, and the essay tends to be a common target of parental over-involvement. Despite the fact that guidance counselors, guide books and admissions officers all advise keeping the essay clear of “hard sell” descriptions of academic or other achievments, parents often insist on trying to cram this information in. The results are rarely subtle and often interfere with the theme and flow of an otherwise good essay.

Another trap parents fall into is simply over-helping with an essay – trying to change their child’s topic or rewrite the piece altogether. I can totally identify with this impulse – as an adult it’s tempting to think you can do a better job and it’s natural to want your child to make the best possible impression. But taking over the essay – besides being completely unethical – deprives your child of his or her rightful place at the helm of this process. And it robs the essay of the genuine and personal “voice” it’s supposed to have.

As I have heard from more than one admissions officer, it really isn’t hard to spot an essay that’s has been written by a forty-five year old tax attorney. So help your child with brainstorming and proofreading – then step away from the essay!

A woman I knew in college used to talk about her overwhelming – and unfulfilled – desire to attend Cornell University. So I wasn’t particularly surprised when I learned that both of her daughters are currently enrolled at Cornell. It is an excellent school and I’m sure those girls will do well there, but I can’t help wondering about that family: whose goals and dreams are being fulfilled?

Today’s high school parents are highly involved with their children’s lives and, in general, there is nothing wrong with that. But the college admissions process is often a time when parents – without even knowing it – impose their own hopes and unrealized dreams onto their children. It is important to remember that this is your child’s turn to experience college – it is not a “do-over” for you to correct the mistakes and bad choices you made at 18.

Naturally, you will be involved in the school selection and application process. But when you discuss schools with your child, keep in mind that the college landscape is extremely different than it was when you were applying twenty-something years ago. Schools’ reputations, admission criteria, standardized tests and the application process have all changed dramatically since then.

Be careful of trying to impose a school you like on your child. The teenage years are known for oppositional behavior – you should consider the very real possibility that pushing a particular school too hard may create an overwhelming desire on your child’s part to go somewhere else.

Finally, be careful of sending subliminal messages: if your weekend attire consists of a Dartmouth sweatshirt worn over a Dartmouth T-shirt, you are sending a powerful message to your child – even if you never open your mouth.