A woman I knew in college used to talk about her overwhelming – and unfulfilled – desire to attend Cornell University. So I wasn’t particularly surprised when I learned that both of her daughters are currently enrolled at Cornell. It is an excellent school and I’m sure those girls will do well there, but I can’t help wondering about that family: whose goals and dreams are being fulfilled?

Today’s high school parents are highly involved with their children’s lives and, in general, there is nothing wrong with that. But the college admissions process is often a time when parents – without even knowing it – impose their own hopes and unrealized dreams onto their children. It is important to remember that this is your child’s turn to experience college – it is not a “do-over” for you to correct the mistakes and bad choices you made at 18.

Naturally, you will be involved in the school selection and application process. But when you discuss schools with your child, keep in mind that the college landscape is extremely different than it was when you were applying twenty-something years ago. Schools’ reputations, admission criteria, standardized tests and the application process have all changed dramatically since then.

Be careful of trying to impose a school you like on your child. The teenage years are known for oppositional behavior – you should consider the very real possibility that pushing a particular school too hard may create an overwhelming desire on your child’s part to go somewhere else.

Finally, be careful of sending subliminal messages: if your weekend attire consists of a Dartmouth sweatshirt worn over a Dartmouth T-shirt, you are sending a powerful message to your child – even if you never open your mouth.